That's a Wrap (Part One)

Yeah, Margo, jeez, save it for the cameras. You know, the ones that were rolling two seconds ago. Annnnyway, I know that took all of ten minutes to film, but it's gotta be five o'clock somewhere, eh? Let's see if they refilled those mini-bars yet!

My personal theory on where all this is going: the A3G girls will bond through their shared misery (duh), Kitty will learn from the girls the power of free speech and independence, and Kitty will go on strike, leaving Mama Kat to fetch her own vanilla soy lattes. Then Kat will fall apart, the show will fall apart, and no one will have new hairstyles after all. I just can't see the hair changing! Dress 'em up however you like, but a bunless Margo? It's just not to be.

No word yet on a new illustrator, but this would be such a clever way to fold him/her in, I hope they use this opportunity.

Sleep Well...

YES YES YES they're going for whole new hairstyles, despite almost fifty years of precedence! The Bun, the Bob, and the Flip will finally be toppled. I hope Tommie is ready to fearlessly embrace a faux hawk.

Also, WHOA, when did Kitty have time to fill ten damn garbage bags?? Mama Kat has dispensed exactly three wisecracks, quite neatly. Kitty is the realy workhorse of this team, obviously. I bet Kat's all like, Nice work Kitty! Here's a scrap of bread. Now gas up the car and drive me to Virgil's, and be sharp about it!

IIIIIIIIIIII'm Sixty!

I like how these shows are all nag nag nag, criticize criticize criticize, but once you're old, fuck it, just wear whatever. Like just being able to dress yourself after sixty is an accomplishment. Sure, wear overalls and a lobster bib to your grandson's christening, that's fine. Socks and sandles? Alarmingly poor choice at fifty-nine, totally acceptable at sixty. Note to Kat: this isn't Greece, people over sixty still have to look respectable and show up to work. And I bet you really just hurt your aunt's feelings, you jerk.

Also: Margo is a high-powered executive?

Costanza'd

Ooooooh! Lu Ann, you might have to go to the hospital with nasty burn like that. That's okay, once you've had time to let this simmer, you'll crush her with the classic comeback, "The jerk store called, they're running out of you!"

Wait a second... the juniors department carries pantsuits?

I'm a WHAT Woman??

W'lllll... scrubs and sweats are a little casual for, say, a public outing or a double date, but uh, you are a nurse, aren't you Tommie? I mean, when you're not playing piano for the Hoop De Doo Revue?

When I'm wheeled into the emergency room, I expect a certain amount of professionalism from the staff tending to me. I expect hues of toothpasty blue and raspberry sherbet. I want to see the scrubs! Scrubs don't make me think: "Don't look at me, I'm a loser." They make me think: "Oh good, there's someone who can tell me how I make this blood pressure monitor stop beeping stop beeping please STOP BEEPING FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!" And then they sedate me. God bless 'em!

Kat's Great Idea

Wrong, Mama Kat. This triple makeover was an awesome idea. Your only flaw was leaving out the rest of the cast. Martin needs to hear from a [perceived] professional that he should stop dying the top of his head, and if Blaze keeps it up with the neckerchieves, I'm going to photoshop comically oversized glasses on him and starting calling him Charles Nelson Reilly.

Speaking of fashion tips! If anyone needs style advice from a kind of spacey fictional teenage girl, maybe you should check out What Claudia Wore, documenting the fashion choices of Caludia Kishi from the Baby-sitter's Club. I loved the BSC books as a kid, and the archives of this blog have been like revisiting my childhood, only funnier.

Unfortunately all the A3G girls dress like Mary Ann at best, Kristy at worst. Brave up, girls! Take a page from Claudia's playbook! Oversized t-shirts and leggings! Handmade jewelery! Nightmare-inducing hairclips! Accessorize accessorize accessorize!

Can We Go Now?

Lu Ann: (stunned) I'm not the only person on god's green earth who has feelings?
Margo: What are feelings? Can I find them at the bottom of this glass?

Oh Margo! You've been trying to do that for years. Now come on, let's get going, you've got a show to put on, and I'm very excited that I might get to see everybody's legs for the first time in years. ...Does this make me creepy? Answer yes no or maybe.

Madness!

Now that's really not fair. Tommie is a horrible dresser, yes, but I don't think she'd ever pair a pale blue sweatshirt with a mustard collarless jacket... thing. Or is it some kind of sweater con shoulderpads? I don't know. Also, GAHH why does Margo look like a shapeshifter in panel one?!? "No one twisted your arm Lu Ann... not like they twisted my face!" She looks like Jughead. Jughead I tell you! Maybe I overestimated her ability to outdrink Lu Ann.

Morning at the Hotel

Uh, Margo, we're you wearing that last night? Is this your ugly outfit? Your bedtime turtleneck? Of course it's going to be ugly, it's covered sleep creases. OH MY GOSH, what if it's a Snuggie bodysuit?? Awesome. And Tommie, I can't believe you got nailed the one time you were wearing a sweatshirt, but that's as ugly an outfit you can muster? Lu Ann, we've got a show to put on, quit puking all over your pantsuit and let's go!

Gin-brand Gin!

Guys.... there are so so many things to say about these two panels that I don't even know where to start, but I think my favorite part is the giant baby blue bottle of Gin-brand gin from the mini-bar. And they're getting ready to drink it out of little goblets! That's precious.

But take it from someone who's mixed liquor and liquor and never been sicker: you will vomit. You will hate yourself in the morning, if not sooner. And as an added bonus, your all-day hangover tomorrow will be televised. So drink up, ladies! Can't wait to see it.

Sloshed Meets Plastered

Just at the end of a long weekend of moving into my first apartment, I decided to check the comics I missed. A sight for sore eyes:
Both of them totally wasted, Lu Ann staring cross-eyed at blissed-out Margo, who's shaking up the largest mini-bar bottle of gin I've ever seen. The catfights were totally worth it. Totally. Worth it.

More tomorrow--er, later today!

Box of Memories

So these girls have been running around in pantsuits all this time and I had no idea?? Oh my god. The field days I could have had. The wild, helpless joy I failed to indulge in. Why, Frank Bolle? Why?? I could have been making unfavorable comparisons left and right! Bea Arthur here, Judith Light there... all circa late 80s, of course. I guess I think all pantsuits are from the late 80s, because come on, haven't we gotten past the term "pantsuit" by now? Can't we just call them suits? When you think pantsuits, don't you kind of think of The Golden Girls?

Sadly, I could not find a picture of anyone wearing a pantsuit while filming The Golden Girls, but I do have a vivid memory of a particularly heinous get-up Dorothy was forced to weird involving a baby blue pantsuit with some kind of pseudo-cumberbund and a sad limp sequins bow. Not one of Bea Arthur's finer moments. I'd kill to see that outfit again though...

Stop Complaining When I'm Complaining

What a jip! No link to YouTube with all the horrible footage from Martin and Gabby. Not even a couple of polaroids to ponder! Will I ever know what these ladies wear from the waist down? I feel like that was my best shot.

The sudden transition to the esteemed Midtown Hotel is made weirder by Lu Ann's totally unnatural crying and Tommie's bizarre advice (do you get why Lu Ann's upset, Tommie?). That second panel is straight up David Lynch.

Style 101

Style classes! Topics covered in the course cirriculum include:

1. Overview: Fashion is Tricky
2. Say No to Color
3. When in Doubt, White
4. Aprons and You
5. One Button is Enough
6. Avoiding Make Up
7. Matching Haircuts: A Great Idea

I Must Break You

And what are you going to do once you break them? Force them to buy white button-up shirts in bulk? They already do that.

I'm still thinking about yesterday's comic. The thing is, they all dress the same! There's no way Margo dresses any more like a schoolmarm than Tommie or Lu Ann. I get that her personality is different, but what does that have to do with her style? I know they've all got that coat that she's wearing right now in a myriad of colors. Margo wears turtlenecks sometimes, but they're arguably the most fashion-forward garments any of them owns.

The only way I'll be swayed to believe they don't all just pick out clothes from the same wardrobe is if I see authentic hidden camera footage. Produce the evidence, Martin and Gabriella.

Zing!

ooookay, Mama Kat. I'm impressed by your rather contemporary use of "hot mess" (referring here to Tommie and not, say, a spilled pot of oatmeal), buuuut, while "old-fashioned school marm" and "flaming hot mess" unquestionably insult Margo and Tommie's taste, "blonde Barbie doll" more says dumb but hot. Not really an insult of the same caliber! If "Barbie doll" were to say anything about fashion, I guess it would be "slutty bimbo chic," but come on, no one in this strip is slutty bimbo chic, even if they should be. (I'm looking at you, Gina.) Frank Bolle just doesn't have it in him.

And, do I have to say it? Glass houses, Kat and Kitty!

Where Are Your Rebel Friends Now?

Rough times! A dead boyfriend, a friend's betrayl, a failed relationship, family problems, another dead boyfriend, a failed move, a bout of depression, a crazy stepmom, and a host of cheesy Mother's Day note cards. True, not a banner couple of years for these ladies. But sounds like, yes, there will be a group makeover! Yes yes yes! Too bad everyone hates each other at the moment, but they're sure to bond throughout the humiliating process.

Kat Continues...

As usual, I didn't know when to shut up, and I wound up indicting everyone I know!

This is fascinating and all, hearing how Ruby doesn't know how to have a succinct conversation, but let's move this along, people! I mean, really, there's no way this Q&A portion with Ruby is making it past editing. Let's get to the part where we throw all of Tommie's good frocks into a garbage can.

Splainin'

Ruby girl, get up here, you've got some splainin' to do, GF! If you're really Tommie's friend, how could you watch her let herself go like this? To this extent, I mean! She's wearing a sweatshirt!! A crew neck, no less! A white crew neck! Girl, you might as well buy a crock of French onion soup and dump it on her right now, because that's all white sweatshirts are good for: attracting hideous yellow stains. Did you buy up all the lilac blazers and matching bows for yourself and leave your friend with nothing? You should be ashamed. Girl. NEXT!!

Ted and Lucy!

See Tommie? All your old pals have come out! Why, there's Ted and Lucy in the front row! Ted and Lucy! Remember? Fifth grade, Mrs. Clerke's class? You teamed up on that project about Ferdinand Magellan? Let's see, who else have we got........ I think I see your roommates! Look, okay, yes, we had to hire a lot of seat-fillers. Now do you want the damn $5000 or not?

I Can See You, Tommie

Yeah, jeez, Tommie. This is a dress rehearsal, not a gym rehearsal. Why did you change from what you wore to the theater? If you had just kept that on, you would've been wearing virtually the same shirt as Mama Kat. As for below the torso... hey, do we ever see anyone's legs in this strip?

Eh... What Now?

Ahhhh HA! I knew it was an apron! An even weirder fashion trend than suspenders. Tommie Thompson, you dressed in the dark... as a dental hygienist?

The Theater of the Clueless

This city never sleeps
And neither do I
Come dance with me...

Anyone want to guess that the second half of that verse is? Maybe something like:

I don't know what to make

Of the girl in the salmon

Come dance with me...

Or:

I'm singing off-stage
Because the director thinks I'm unattractive
Come dance with me...

No shame in that, Tommie. It's how the Phantom of the Opera got his start.