Gullibility

"Sure, why not, it's not like you'll actually need the note because I'm totally running off with your $500 and taking Lick with me. How about I leave a note saying I'm with you, and when I disappear you and your addict father become the center of a national media frenzy? Also, you can tell I'm No Good because of how I'm waving these cigarettes in the air. Cigarettes!"

Give It Here

Hello, and welcome to Bad Decisions Theater. We now return you to your show, already in progress.

Oh Canada

Yes Marty, you do need a passport to enter Canada.  Although the U.S.-Canadian border is the longest unguarded border in the world.  Just a little bit of extra knowledge for our loyal readers.

I'm sure it's just as easy to sneak into Canada as it is to smuggle cheap government-subsidized pharmaceuticals out of it.  Sounds like Tori has a solid, unnecessarily secret plan.  Unless she's just trying to lure Marty into forking over the $500 so that she and Lick can go have a romantic weekend in Niagara Falls.

Leaving Tonight

Tori, please! You're making Marty swoon here.

I can't tell by the drapes, but I hope they're talking about this at Tori's house, because we all know the walls in Marty's apartment are paper thin and Cole could be listening in on this conversation as we speak.

Run Along, Boy!

Oh Jason, you just got c@?k-blocked hard by Marty.  Or maybe Tori just isn't that into guys that look like medieval monks.  I also don't understand how Jason gets what Tori is talking about, because I have no idea.  How does planning to become teenage runaways qualify as girl time?  Are they going to braid each others hair?  Are they going to have this conversation at Claire's in the mall?  Maybe Friar Tuck doesn't understand, but Tori's radiant wink has hypnotized him into calm submission.

Five Hundred Dollars!

Honestly, I don't even know which part of this dialogue is the most problematic/entertaining. Or is it the art? Tori's like "seee yaaaaaaa....!" but then just stays there and keeps talking.

$500 in cash is such a weird number to have on hand! More than enough for going to the laundromat, but surely not enough to handle business during the zombie apocalypse Cole must be anticipating. And I guess $500 is a lot of money to teens, but I mean, not THAT much, right? Are they planning on buying an XBox and holing up in a homeless shelter for a couple of days or something? Because that plan will probably work just as well as anything that actually happens here.

Tori's Cool Boyfriend

I am not the only one who was skeptical about Maggie's selection of "Lick" as the possible name of Tori's boyfriend in her post yesterday, but now that I see him, it seems right on the nose. (And what a nose it is.) Other possible names: Flea, Roach, Ratface, Greaseball. Names we have now ruled out: Butch. The sad thing is, in A3G world, I expect Lick is supposed to be pretty cool. Look at how he tucks his sweatshirt into his jeans. Such a rebel.

I'm torn here, because I sort of feel bad for Marty and immediately hate Tori's boyfriend, but I really can't wait to see mini-Margo crush her. Is this going to become A3G: The Next Generation? We have Margo and Tommie, we just need mini-LuAnn.

Drink or Don't

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Jeez Marty, don't freak out just cause your dad's dying or whatever! Let's get back to what this story really should be about: teenage drug use! Pass the Smirnoff, WHOOOOOO

Friday, September 27, 2013

What's weird about this is that Tori has kind of been right about everything. (I mean, besides her anger management techniques.) She was right about Lu Ann and Cole (subconsciously) macking on each other, right about Cole's brain thing, right about Cole lying to her, right about guys having lapses in judgement when it comes to girls (sorry guys!), right about Cole being hypocritical, and right to give Marty a choice about whether she wants to drink or not. Although, DUH, drinking takes away all your problems, WHOOOOO

I can't wait until tomorrow when Marty immediately spit-takes all that vodka into Tori's face. "BLECH! People pay to drink this stuff??"

Like, Really Bad

Oh Marty, I know you're vulnerable and everything now,but Tori is probably not the right person to ask how you can help your dad with a brain tumor. She's probably going to tell you that the best thing to do is start listening to Ke$ha and stealing all those pills that aren't working for Cole.

To Tell the Truth

I like to think that Tori befriends only nerdy, lonely middle school girls with family problems for the sole purpose of destroying the fragile web that is their emotional world.  Margo would be so proud of her ruthlessness.  Like Pinocchio's nose, Marty grows larger as each of Cole's lies are revealed...

Just Listen

Man, they must've said something incriminating instantly. "Cole, how is your huge brain tumor effecting your relationship with Marty?" "Oh, not too bad, the lying helps!" Way to go, guys. Couldn't even give the tumor a code name or something? Mr. Lumpy? Sir Tumorsworth? Anything? Anyway, Tori has been wayyyy too mature and compassionate for my taste lately, I hope she encourages Marty to cope by cutting class and smoking in the girl's room!

Your Dad's Serious Brain Problem or Something

My god. How did 13-year-old Margo get access to a time machine??

The Truth

"Don't you at least want to know the deep dark secret that your dad has been keeping from you Marty?   Or do you not care, just like you don't want me to tell you the secret of my gravity defying bang swoop.  Well, I'm telling you.  It's melted black licorice.  I melt it myself every morning."

Just a Guy

I thought Tori would be be blabbing this all over school/Live Journal/Xanga by now, but actually she's got a pretty mature perspective! Cole, like all of us, is human; we all have regrets, weaknesses and shortcomings, and he can't outgrow them simply by being a good father. To really love someone, you have to accept everything about them, not just the parts you like. Have you ever considered that you dad needs your support just as much as you need his? GOD, Marty! And if you yell at me again, I'm going to tell everyone at school you still wet the bed.

You're Gonna Be Sorry

Oh Marty.  Such a square.  I have a lot of sympathy for her, as a former bespectacled child.  My kindergarten teacher had to have a special show and tell the day I first wore my glasses, lest my burgeoning myopia would cause panic and alarm amongst the other normal-sighted children.   However, the cool/bad girls didn't get drunk, come to my house and call me a jerk for not eavesdropping on my parents. 

I'm really afraid that we've got about another month or more of this storyline.  I can't see an end in sight. 

Creepy Tori

Tori, just drop it, you're being totally creepy. Why are you so obsessed with your friend's "super-hot" dad's love life? And why do you think that Cole is super hot....?

I can't wait to see Tori stumble drunkenly out of the bedroom slurring "Don't touch him, he's mine, blondie." Lu Ann might spill her tea from shock.

The Moves

Oh snap! She probably is. She's got the moves like Jagger. I can understand Marty getting upset though. If I was her I'd be like, "What are you, DRUNK?" and then I'd laugh hysterically and walk out of the room.

Super Cool

"Tori, this place is awesome!  You've got it all!  Two squiggle prints, a floating lamp shade and heavy draperies!  Did you hire a decorator or did you do it yourself?"

Oh Marty, you should have known that Tori was way too cool for you. I mean you wear glasses.  Hasn't popular culture taught you that young girls with glasses are hopeless nerds yet?  Now why don't you run home and play with your chemistry kit and leave the rebellion to the cool kids.

Really Great

Ms. Schulock and Mr. Bolle are struggling to remember, as I am, what it's like to be a young teenage girl. So you wanna... get something to drink? I guess that's a normal thing, right? I think girls do that. Shouldn't they be looking at their phones while they're talking though? And then, yeah, you complain about your parents... or no wait! You totally fawn all over your dad, that's what teenage girls do!

Actually, Marty looks just like Bedilia...

Dying for a Cigarette

AWWW YEAH! The Summer of Marty continues, with peer pressure! Teen drama! Smokes! Even though at first I thought Tori was just offering Marty an apple. Or a juicebox.

Tori may be a smoker, but she smiles a lot and she's into sharing even though cigarettes are mad expensive. Sure, she'll become predictably and unapologetically belligerent tomorrow after Marty spurns her smoky advances, but it's still way better than watching Lu Ann putz around the gallery and "curate."