Monday, July 21, 2014

I Feel Great!

Well, what is there to say about this, the squarest consumption of drugs in the strip since "Wow. This dope is super!" ?? I mean, I get why people avoid margaritas because they've had a bad experience with tequila, or the drinks are too sugary, or whatever, but how did Tommie, who seems pretty pumped about this tasty concoction, manage just not to have a margarita all these years? Doesn't she live in a major metropolitan area? Didn't she go to college? Isn't it pretty likely it's Lu Ann's drink of choice? How old is Tommie supposed to be? What else hasn't she done? Eat Chinese food? Lick an envelope?

I don't know. All I know is that Tommie is probably wasted and now she's going to... drive a horse into the garage or something. Right? Something has to happen now. Please lord just let something happen!

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Mares and Margaritas

Ugh, why won't this end!   Instead, we get to sit through a week of Tommie and Carol loosening their collars/lowering their turtlenecks to kick back and have only one margarita.  Which will probably be drunk out of an old-timey looking can.  It will be like a rural, prudish Sex and the City.

Friday, July 18, 2014

Why Can't We Be Friends?

Carol, please. I have enough friends that look like you already. I'm here to work, I guess? I thought I was here to drop off a deer, but after I came down with this wicked case of "Johnny Tremain hand," I realized there was no place in society for me but shoveling manure at Happiness Falls. So yes, I'm here to WORK. Unless it's too hot, in which case, I'm here to LOAF.

Thursday, July 17, 2014


Ohhhh.... Tommie, Carol.... a quick word:

Carol, sweetie, you don't actually need to morph into a horse to make friends.

Tommie, honey, poor choice of simile. 

All clear? Great! Keep on doing... whatever it is you're doing.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Never Could Have Guessed

"Time, patience, and something I never could have guessed!" Well this is a sure-to-be-disappointing set-up, but I personally hope the Thursday reveal is either 1. coaching Mary the mare to the strains of "The Greatest Love of All" by Whitney Houston or 2. the confidence that comes with healthy, shiny, flake-free hair!

 But it's probably something bogus like talking Mary to death about her personal problems until the horse begs for mercy and does whatever Tommie says.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Back to Work

Yea, what is your hurry?  You took approximately a week off from your chores to prank Tina, so just ease on back into it.  And how are you qualified to rehabilitate a horse?  Shouldn't that be done by a veterinarian?  Or Robert Redford?

Mary is a terrible name for a horse.  Or is it supposed to be Mare-y?  I'd vote for Nagitha Christie or Arianna Hoofington.

Monday, July 14, 2014

Hurtful Gossip

Oh, to be a fly on the wall to witness Tina's hurtful gossip about Tommie. How many of the following phrases do you think came up?
  • fish-lipped
  • beady-eyed
  • smelly turtleneck'd
  • amorphous haircut
  • cervidaphile
  • manure-shoveler
  • works her head off
  • falls asleep in her dinner
  • had an Italian fiance that no one ever met, not even once
  • "the funny one"