Thursday, December 29, 2011

Rich and Famous

Great! Now, can you say:

  • George Clooney's cousin, Fred Clooney?

  • George Clooney's personal assistant, Ms. Ellen Whitaker?

  • George Clooney's accountant, Yuri Golub?

  • George Clooney's cat, Friedrick von Whiskers?

  • George Clooney's friend's cousin, Richard Damon?

  • George Clooney's incorrigible next-door-neighbor, Skeeter McGraw?

ALL THE STARS WILL BE THERE, TOMMIE. You might want to bring a couple extra video tapes of your album. You know, JIC.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

A Blast from the When?

Allright, Tommie is holding a box--a box so aptly labelled "Tommie"--that is far larger than anything used to record music on in the last, mm, thirty years? It's way too big to even be a tape casette. It could be a VHS tape. It could be an 8-track. It might even be a Super Nintendo cartridge. My hypothesis: that's what Frank Bolle thinks an MP3 looks like.

I'm just kidding, of course. There's no way Frank Bolle has heard of MP3s.

I just looked it up, the Frank is 87 years old. 87!! Half of me is like, "Man, that guy is doing it! These are some damn fine drawings for an 87-year-old." The other half is like, "Adults don't wear Peter Pan collars! Tommie looks like a man! What could possibly be in that box she's holding?? WHAT IS GOING ON!!"

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Follow-up Post: There's No Hope with Dope

Holiday Catch-up

Ho ho ho! Merrrrrrry holidays! Yup, it's that time of year where everyone lets loose and stops paying attention to the blog for a week or so. Oh, I suppose visiting family is more important than Lu Ann's collapsed engagement? Well, fine, Casey and Megan. Have your "priorities." But me, I'm back at work and ready to take a break from cleaning out my email. Let's catch up!

Saturday, December 24, 2011
Tch. That psychic had a name you know. And it was Laura. Madame Laura. And yeah, you're a dope, but I commend you for describing yourself with such a great, underused word. Dope!

Monday, December 26, 2011
I have to admit, I feel for Lu Ann here. Pretty much the only reason I would want to salvage my relationship with Icky Paul and the Linskiettes would be to avoid the scornful mockery of Margo.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Tommie's back! We're done with the Lu Ann plot! Yay! However, someone will have to break it to Tommie and Margo that being mistaken for Justin Beiber does not a recording star make. Sad.

Friday, December 23, 2011

She Rings a Bell

"Someone who understands me and won't judge me." Well, Margo is right out, obviously, but I'm surprised Tommie wasn't a consideration? Maybe "and won't bore me to death" was one of the implicit considerations. What about the Professor? Where the heck has he been? The last time we saw him was Christmas of last year, for a hot second. He's hanging around inside his apartment, dusting off the bookcases, just itching to give someone advice.... I guess ever since he got involved with Bobbie "the Bobble" Merrill, no one's really wanted his advice.

Also, did someone mention Ru-Lu fan SLASH?? Cause... I guess this is as appropriate time to bring it up as any.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

I Believe in Angels

A sudden flash of insight? So, Gary Powers really was trolling around in heaven/the afterlife/between incarnations, just waiting for the right time to reveal that yes, he totally is dead, and haunt Lu Ann's dreams like, don't get married to that shlub, you can do better, GF! "He always was protective of me... like that time he used his ghost powers to have that junkie kill my ex-boyfriend. I miss Alan, but I have to admit, it was kind of cool."

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

A Weight Has Been Lifted

WHOA WHOA WHOA. Have we really disposed with Paul Linski and the Linskiettes THAT QUICKLY? I mean, you kind of liked him, right? Maybe just not enough to move into one of multiple houses right away? Give the guy a chance! Think of Wally! Will no one think of the children??

Uh seriously, there's no B-plot to speak of, and no swinging Christmas Eve party to crash. I think we're just going to follow around Lu Ann for a couple of weeks until someone shows up to 3G to register their disappointment in Tommie again. Yep, just weeks of Lu Ann stumbling down the streets, bumping into strangers and thinking "Gorsh! I almost got married. Thank goodness my dad-to-be dug up the scandalous fact that I'm a secret widow, or I might be pregnant right now!"

P.S. I'm a Secret Widow would be a great reality show.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

We'll Always Have Hoboken

So long, farewell, auf wiedersehn, gooodbye! Don't let that park bench hit you in the ass on your way out...I'm actually a little disappointed that Paul isn't putting up more of a fight. What happened to "I have Lu Ann, and she's the best!" and your mild to moderate stalking? You're not even going to try to work it out?

"Two days ago, I was ready to marry you whilst wearing a modest, Victorian chastity dress and eagerly anticipating a move to Hoboken. I was ready to immediately have a baby (disregarding the laws of nature and gestation), leave that baby safely ensconced in the nursery you creepily pre-assembled, and commute via bridge and/or tunnel into the big city so that I could continue to give the world the gift of my squiggle art. I was prepared to live communally with your entire family in a sheltered compound, where I would lose all autonomy. But do you really think it's wise to see each other again?"

Monday, December 19, 2011

So What Do We Do Now?

I thought we were on the same page with the in love/ready for babies/constructing covered walkway between our house and my parents' house. But I guess I was wrong. You and your urban feminist ways, I guess you expected me to just come up and ask you if you were ready for marriage/babies/my parents as your overlords. So what do we do now?

My guess: share one last lunch at the Olive Garden (unlimited salad and breadsticks), where they'll discuss how they're going to break the news to Wally.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

You know what happens when you assume...

I can't believe Papa Linski would be like "Oh Paul! Bee tee dubs, before I forget, again, the love of your life was married seven years ago to a guy named Gary." And leave his beloved, golden haired son to believe that somewhere out there was a completely alive Gary Powers. A brown haired, orange jacket and black shirt wearing, piano affixer Gary Powers.

Yes Lu Ann, he doesn't know you at all. It's almost like he sees you as some two-dimensional cartoon version of the perfect woman.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Gary, Huh?

Originally I was going to make fun of Paul for being uncommonly affected and hurt by the name "Gary," buuut... when I think about it, I think I get the sentiment. It's like if I found out my boyfriend was married to a girl named Tiffany. No offense to all the Tiffanies out there, but I'd be like "TIFFANY?? Oh come on. No. You did NOT marry a Tiffany. Ugh. Who were you??"

Likewise, I am sure all the Tiffanies out there would react similarly if they found out their man had been married to a Maggie. "Maggie? Maggie? You married a dumpy Scottish chick??"

Private joke: it took me a long time to remember Casey's name, so I used to call her Tiffany. Or was it Stephanie? I can't even remember her fake name.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

You only background check the ones you love

Why? Hmm... could it be that she's not over her dead husband? Or she's a compulsive liar? Or is it that she knew you were a possessive, jealous (even of dead guys), and from the looks of it, potentially violent mama's boy who would overreact at the thought of his fiancee having touched another man, ever? It's OK LuAnn, just ask Paul, "Why didn't you tell me your parents were so suspicious and crazy?" Though, I guess she should have assumed they would do a background check before letting just anybody into their cult.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Lies Lies Lies Yeahh

"You're wrong, Paul! I never lied to you, in actual words, about stuff you knew about! But I should tell you about this weird dream I had last night. My old husband was in it! You know, my old husband? I just found out he died! .........oh I see what you're getting at."

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

I'm Angry!!!

Uh, is it the economy? Afghanistan? Long harbored resentment for the Netflix price increase? Paul's so angry his hair has gone highlighter yellow, while Lu Ann has gone into a full, preemptive worry bobble. I can only hope this break up is swift, so we can finally see what Tommie is up to.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Please Leave a Message-Beep

Let's file this one under "more creepy things my perfect boyfriends says." By the way, pretty sure this is not how cell phone voicemail works.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Cold Feet

I like how Margo is totally scandalized! "Wait a second, I finally approved of this and you're going to THROW IT ALL AWAY?? WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, LU ANN?! That I CAN'T convert your room into my personal gym?? I ALREADY ORDERED AN ELLIPTICAL MACHINE, so you'd better DRINK SOME MILK and GET YOUR HEAD ON STRAIGHT!!"

Looks like the wedding will be called off due to natural causes (e.g. Lu Ann's deep down flightiness). So, no grusome end for the Linski clan? Shucks.

Thursday, December 8, 2011


"It'll pass, kind of like my face is passing from my skull." Seriously, is her face melting? Maybe it's horrified at what Margo has become - a supportive, encouraging person - that it is leaving to find a new host.

By the way, now that we know Gary's dead, I'm hoping he'll haunt Lu Ann like she's been haunted before. Oh, and Paul! I don't mean metaphorically. I mean like "boo, I'm haunting you!" Then Paul and the Linski collective will really turn and run. They don't put up with that sort of fraternizing with the dead.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Major Gary

Dear Mrs. Powers,

sor-rry, we have been way backed up lately, jumping in and out of Iraq and Afghanistan, and then that whole Arab Spring thing happened, plus Libya, and just everyone was distracted. But enough about us.

U.S. Army Air Force Major Gary Powers has been declared killed in action. Like, a while ago. We are so sorry. We will send you his remaining possessions, including his Athens Summer Olympics hand towel and his Ashlee Simpson Autobiography CD. He sure did love that CD. And youuu...!

Take care,

Your friends at the U.S.
Army Air Force

Okay, I don't really know how the U.S. Army Air Force operates, their letters are probably a little nicer than that. In any case, that kind of nips the "dramatic soap opera reentrance" in the bud... UNLESS THERE'S A GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY. Oooh!

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Morning of Memories

I wish that I would wake up from a nightmare/roommate having a nightmare with my hair perfectly coiffed, eye makeup that highlights my eyes but isn't too heavy, and pouty, dew touched lips. First, if my roommate was having night terrors, I would, 95% of the time, sleep through it. Second, if actually awakened, I would have a full head of frizz and spend the first two minutes of being awake fumbling for my glasses, which were probably on my face when I fell asleep, and thus the entire night was spent crushing them out of shape before knocking them into a crevasse somewhere in the bed vicinity.

Ooo, so Gary disappeared before being declared dead/his whereabouts are still unknown? That opens up some interesting possibilities. He could pull a soap opera return from the dead and fight Paul to win back Lu Ann's heart. Or he's just dead and we're going to spend these next few weeks watching Lu Ann mope about it while Paul slowly backs out of this.

Monday, December 5, 2011

I've Been There

We can never see below these ladies' armpits, but it's pretty obvious Margo is folding her arms as she delivers that line in the second panel. And with a smile! "Dead lover nightmares? You can bet I've been there, girlfriend! Ha ha! Ha...." Meanwhile, Lu Ann is serving up some major Ann-Margret/Natalie Wood. Looking good!

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Only in Dreams

Oh Margo, it's like the software that pairs emotions with the proper facial expression was being updated when you were awakened by Lu Ann's night terrors. Poor Tommie is even losing strip time comforting Lu Ann, which she would be way better than Margo at. Maybe she's at the hospital nursing an orphan.

If this were an episode of Golden Girls, this nightmare would lead to a late night cheesecake party and some Old World Sophia wisdom. Unfortunately, this is just the opening act to a long, slow story about the Gary Powers we never got to know. But now I am hungry for cheesecake.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Hold Me Close, Tiny Gary

Oh my gosh, Lu Ann DOES care about Gary! know, Gary? Good ol' Gar! I guess that's the name of her dead fighter pilot husband, who she hasn't mentioned for 35 years. But what if she's talking about Tommie's old flame?? That would be totally scandalous! And weird. That guy was icky.

Well, so with the "Dream of Death" (something Margo's well versed in), I guess we're implying that Lu Ann is still hung up on her dead husband? And she didn't tell Paul about her previous marriage not because it took place decades ago and it doesn't matter to her anymore/it's all in the past/she genuinely forgot, but because she's ummmmmm deceptive? Being coy? I don't buy it. Lu Ann has like zero guile. Maybe Margo can give her some tips after she finishes screaming at Lu Ann for waking her up.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Let's Do the Time Warp

She probably just hasn't had time to bring it up, Paul.

I wish the question had been one of the ones you folks came up with yesterday, but this is pretty fascinating. They're putting an actual timeframe on the time warp that these people live in. Does anyone know when she actually married her first husband? In the 60s? And apparently I'm too bad at math to figure out the ratio of A3G years to real years, but uh... it's kind of staggering right?

I would love this to wind up being the case, but I guess they'll just make up some story about how her husband died that doesn't take place in the Vietnam era. But really, wouldn't everything make so much more sense if it was still, like, the 70s in A3G world?

I hope in this version, Margo murders Gary. Nobody breaks up their little apartment... nobody. So watch yourself, Paul.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Mistakes Were Made

Okay everyone, I'm back! First of all, if you haven't read Megan's hilarious review of the past four days in A3G History, you should definitely check that out first.

On to today!

Oh my gosh, what a tease. First you say you've run a background check on Lu Ann, and then you report NONE OF THE FINDINGS?? For shame. I mean, what can it possibly say? "Reports indicate she totally hated her hair after her I Dressed in the Dark makeover."

..........I mean, I guess she KIND OF dated a junkie for a few years, but that was pretty on-again, off-again. And by "off-again" I mean "he died." Also, she got kidnapped by a ghost that one time? I can only hope that shows up in the background check.

Any takers on what Papa Linski's question is going to be? "Do you know what color Lu Ann's eyes are?" "Did you know Lu Ann's related to a underbridge-dwelling troll?" "Have you started saving for Paul Jr.'s college fund yet?" etc. etc.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Meanwhile, in New Jersey

So it looks like we took a little Thanksgiving hiatus here at the old blogspot. Hope you all had a relaxing, gluttonous holiday and a joyful day of pepper spraying your fellow shoppers for discounted merchandise!

We've got a lot to recap, so let's get to it!

Thursday, November 25th

OK, it's one thing to paint the extra room a pastel color just in case you decide to use it as a nursery, but to go out and buy a crib before you even get married? That's a dealbreaker (don't sue me Tina Fey). Is Paul's dad supposed to look worried in the second panel? I would have thought he was having a stroke. Don't worry, Lu Ann's the best*!!

*The veracity of this claim has not yet been scientifically proven.

Friday, November 25th

Hey there Gene! Just so you know, I've been working on this blog for like a year and I don't really know Lu Ann Powers all that well. There's really not much more than meets the eye. Have you bought a squiggle painting yet? I'm pretty sure the explanation is in there somewhere.

At least Paul agrees with me that his dad is acting a little creepy. Or at least Paul's eyebrows in the first panel and the black hole creeping in on the right side of the strip agree with me.

Monday, November 28th

Oh boy, this Lu Ann thing is killing old man Linski. He has aged twenty years in three strips! The Linskis have two rules. Number one, always make life changing decisions without consulting your significant other/family member. Number two, it is unnatural to want to live more than two houses away from your immediate family and reflects poorly upon your moral character. The Linski Congress is considering adding a rule (Number three, always wear white shirts), but they're not sure they can get it past Wally's subcommittee.

Tuesday, November 29th

Paul, you should have seen this coming! It's Linski Rule #1! But it is a little crazy. I mean did the Linskis even ask Lu Ann about her family? Paul's so mad he's developing a hunch, and that hunch is bobbling!

Maggie and Casey, you're welcome.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Family Plot

This fairly obvious exposition is made a little more interesting by Ruby's shrinking head and giant hand. Buuut, not much. May I instead use this opportunity to say how thankful I am that I do not have Lu Ann's family. They really seem like a bag of nuts. I think the "Lu Ann's adopted" theory has real merit, except that it seems a lot like the "Margo's a love child" storyline, which happened not long ago. I'd take it though!

Speaking of thankfulness, Thanksgiving is right around the corner. Hope you're all happy, healthy and safe. I'm thankful to still have an audience after what.... almost three years? We're doing it, guys! Together! Thanks!

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Every Teardrop is a Waterfall

Dear mystery colorist,

I know you think you're toiling away in obscurity and you can just do what ever you want because no one notices. Like making a ribbon fuchsia in one panel and white in the next. I know you went to a fancy, expensive art school and you dreamed that one day you would be done up like the Mona Lisa in a modern art/pop art/performance art conceptualization at a Soho gallery, not coloring by numbers. But isn't there something to be said for giving it your all?


I finally feel like a character in the strip agrees with me. Lu Ann's sister is a mess. I would say a hot mess, but that just seems cruel. A haggard mess?

Monday, November 21, 2011

Soup By the Door

Oh Ruby! You and your soup. Soup that you carry around in a tiny little ice bucket. How does she just assume that the person in there crying her eyes out is Lu Ann? I mean, Tommie lives there too, it could just as easily be her. I mean, more easily! SUPER easily!

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Pretty Little Lu Ann

First of all, may I express my sincere delight at the appearance Crazy Janey! (she's troubled) I was just thinking about her! Every now and then, it's like Margaret Shulock and I are on the same wavelength. It's a little scary at times, as I'm sure it is for Margaret.

May I also admit that I am sincerely disturbed by Janey? The writing is good and creepy, but I also have to give some props to Frank Bolle on this one. Lu Ann getting chewed out over the phone for no good reason could've easily been hilarious (it still kinda is), but he made it into something warty, sweaty, and uncomfortable. Janey calling from a Zack Morris-style cell phone adds to the pathos.

That said, I read A3G for the laffs, not the pathos. I hope Janey takes a page from the Bobbie Merrill playbook and starts pilling up and shaking all about. Ah Bobbie, I miss ya.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Family Ties

Technically, the trip would be to Hoboken, which I imagine has cheaper hotel rates than Manhattan. Did you even check William Shatner has led me to believe that whatever you want to pay for a trip is what it costs!

What on earth could have possibly happened between Lu Ann and her family? All the "drama" in this strip is so milquetoast that it's probably something super lame that we'll build up to until early 2012, when it will collapse like a bad souffle. Are they jealous of her golden locks and unaged complexion?

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Well I Am Sure Happy, Janey

Holy crap holy crap! I feel like I hit the jackpot here, but I have no idea how to spend money so I'm just going to blow it all in one place and say something stupid like OMG LU ANN'S SISTER IS A HIDEOUS WITCH. And may actually be a witch, since she is somehow able to make Lu Ann's phone ring more insistently than I've seen a phone ring in this strip.

I feel guilty getting this strip, because I'm so ADD that I can't tell whether to focus on the sister, or that Lu Ann is suddenly a mannequin in the second panel.... or what. I mean, did her sister age in real time while the rest of this strip was stuck in place?

OK, I am going to open this up for a free-for-all so everyone else can have fun with it too. Some suggested sentence starters: "Janey is as ugly as a...." or "Janey has as many warts as..." or maybe "Lu Ann looks like she's had something stuck up her..."

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Kissing Cousins

Whuh oh, Paul. Looks like Lu Ann's giving all her smooches to Ruby. Not good news for you, pal. Or "Master of Puppets" Mama Linski. I try to keep this blog pretty PG but... I mean, that's pretty racy for 3G. PRETTY RACY. I'm pretty sure in Apartment 3G, a kiss on the cheek is second base, maybe third. I think Lu Ann's just lashing out against the establinskiment; as for Ruby, there are three ways to interpret her expression in the second panel: 1. agape 2. eros 3. straight-up sleepiness (it was a long day)

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

The Right White Dress

For all the talk about how Frank Bolle has been phoning in the artwork, I have to say there are interesting and subtle nuances to this strip. Note that Lu Ann is shrouded in white on one side of the panels, whilst Paul stands opposite, her in a doorway that leads into darkness. The darkness of a Linksi future in Hoboken, perchance? In the final panel, they are separated by Ruby, who is perhaps the pink personification of Lu Ann's yet unspoken doubts.

Can you tell that I went to a liberal arts school, and that I've run out of humorous observations about this unending storyline?

Monday, November 14, 2011

Just Let Her Say Yes to the GD Dress!!

Look, it's really precious and all, but I don't know how Lu Ann is going to fit into that adorable tiny little dress. And aren't we taking this "Lu Ann as the Linkski's doll/puppet/plaything" metaphor a little far?

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Say Yes to the Dress so we can move on already

Friday, October 11, 2011
Okay, so as mrvy pointed out in the previous post's comments, Paul might have a legitimate reason to have some say in Lu Ann's attire on wedding day. And he can't possibly call or text, he has to tell her in person. Right now. Of course.

Saturday, October 12, 2011
That said, when a bride is wearing her dress, most gals want to hear their grooms say that they look "beautiful" rather than gush that they look "modest in every way!!" Ruby gives no reason as to why she's crying. If I were Lu Ann, I would press for details. I think maybe she's shopping for dresses at the same bridal chain Adrian Corey was.

Friday, November 11, 2011

I Must Control This!

"And by wrong dress, I mean any dress. Because obviously you are going to wear Mother's wedding dress. In fact, I brought you some of her clothes to wear so you'll smell like her. Don't you think your hair should be greyer?"

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Say YES!!! to the Dress

MY GOD LU ANN WHAT ARE YOU, SOME KIND OF SOCIALIST HIPPY FREAK?? Of course the dress is that important. It's like you've never been married before. How about you try to find something like that peasant shirt you're rocking, except one that goes all the way to the ground? Something that says "Bohemian meets Hoboken."

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Say Yes to the Dress

Wow, who thought we were actually going to get to see Lu Ann try on dresses? Or that Lu Ann was going to bring the twins out shopping? I'm going to go out a limb and say this is the first time that cleavage has been featured in this strip. Also, I would say that it smallest line ever drawn to represent cleavage. I wonder what the name of this store is? Victorian Secret?

Monday, November 7, 2011


Ruby may be unphased by the oft-hurtful "are you her mother?" comment, but her world has been rocked by Lu Ann's unbridled thoughtlessness regarding the design of her wedding dress. It is a little surprising, Lu Ann seems like the kind of gal who dreams about her wedding day... and in fact, she has been married before (Lu Ann Powers, nee Wright), so that should give her a few thoughts about how to approach the event. But nooooo, she had to throw Ruby into a swively, bobbly catatonic state. Just look at her. Will she ever recover? We can only watch and pray.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

You'll Love David's Bridal

Friday November 4, 2011
Sugar, are you trying to tell me that Paul is a weird Oedipal oaf and deep down you think you're making a huge mistake marrying him? ...No? You're just worried about the dress? Whoops, sorry! Did that come off as TERRIBLE AND BITCHY? You know us Texas ladies, not a thread of tact strung up in our magenta hair.

Saturday November 5, 2011
I though Lu Ann's mom was institutionalized or something crazy like that, but I think actually Lu Ann's sister was institutionalized (or something) and Mrs. Lu Ann is taking care of her. Or something. Here's the only strip I could find about it, back when Lu Ann was hanging out with her pops up in South Dakota. Funny she didn't want to spend more time out there!

March 2, 2009


Thursday update

So, things have been kind of crazy, which is why I spaced on my Thursday update... but honestly, it's about how tired Lu Ann is? That's really lame. I'm just hoping one day really does matter, and then we see stuff really go down with Lu Ann's family.