Thursday, December 29, 2011

Rich and Famous

Great! Now, can you say:

  • George Clooney's cousin, Fred Clooney?

  • George Clooney's personal assistant, Ms. Ellen Whitaker?

  • George Clooney's accountant, Yuri Golub?

  • George Clooney's cat, Friedrick von Whiskers?

  • George Clooney's friend's cousin, Richard Damon?

  • George Clooney's incorrigible next-door-neighbor, Skeeter McGraw?

ALL THE STARS WILL BE THERE, TOMMIE. You might want to bring a couple extra video tapes of your album. You know, JIC.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

A Blast from the When?

Allright, Tommie is holding a box--a box so aptly labelled "Tommie"--that is far larger than anything used to record music on in the last, mm, thirty years? It's way too big to even be a tape casette. It could be a VHS tape. It could be an 8-track. It might even be a Super Nintendo cartridge. My hypothesis: that's what Frank Bolle thinks an MP3 looks like.

I'm just kidding, of course. There's no way Frank Bolle has heard of MP3s.

I just looked it up, the Frank is 87 years old. 87!! Half of me is like, "Man, that guy is doing it! These are some damn fine drawings for an 87-year-old." The other half is like, "Adults don't wear Peter Pan collars! Tommie looks like a man! What could possibly be in that box she's holding?? WHAT IS GOING ON!!"

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Follow-up Post: There's No Hope with Dope

Holiday Catch-up

Ho ho ho! Merrrrrrry holidays! Yup, it's that time of year where everyone lets loose and stops paying attention to the blog for a week or so. Oh, I suppose visiting family is more important than Lu Ann's collapsed engagement? Well, fine, Casey and Megan. Have your "priorities." But me, I'm back at work and ready to take a break from cleaning out my email. Let's catch up!

Saturday, December 24, 2011
Tch. That psychic had a name you know. And it was Laura. Madame Laura. And yeah, you're a dope, but I commend you for describing yourself with such a great, underused word. Dope!

Monday, December 26, 2011
I have to admit, I feel for Lu Ann here. Pretty much the only reason I would want to salvage my relationship with Icky Paul and the Linskiettes would be to avoid the scornful mockery of Margo.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Tommie's back! We're done with the Lu Ann plot! Yay! However, someone will have to break it to Tommie and Margo that being mistaken for Justin Beiber does not a recording star make. Sad.

Friday, December 23, 2011

She Rings a Bell

"Someone who understands me and won't judge me." Well, Margo is right out, obviously, but I'm surprised Tommie wasn't a consideration? Maybe "and won't bore me to death" was one of the implicit considerations. What about the Professor? Where the heck has he been? The last time we saw him was Christmas of last year, for a hot second. He's hanging around inside his apartment, dusting off the bookcases, just itching to give someone advice.... I guess ever since he got involved with Bobbie "the Bobble" Merrill, no one's really wanted his advice.

Also, did someone mention Ru-Lu fan SLASH?? Cause... I guess this is as appropriate time to bring it up as any.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

I Believe in Angels

A sudden flash of insight? So, Gary Powers really was trolling around in heaven/the afterlife/between incarnations, just waiting for the right time to reveal that yes, he totally is dead, and haunt Lu Ann's dreams like, don't get married to that shlub, you can do better, GF! "He always was protective of me... like that time he used his ghost powers to have that junkie kill my ex-boyfriend. I miss Alan, but I have to admit, it was kind of cool."

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

A Weight Has Been Lifted

WHOA WHOA WHOA. Have we really disposed with Paul Linski and the Linskiettes THAT QUICKLY? I mean, you kind of liked him, right? Maybe just not enough to move into one of multiple houses right away? Give the guy a chance! Think of Wally! Will no one think of the children??

Uh seriously, there's no B-plot to speak of, and no swinging Christmas Eve party to crash. I think we're just going to follow around Lu Ann for a couple of weeks until someone shows up to 3G to register their disappointment in Tommie again. Yep, just weeks of Lu Ann stumbling down the streets, bumping into strangers and thinking "Gorsh! I almost got married. Thank goodness my dad-to-be dug up the scandalous fact that I'm a secret widow, or I might be pregnant right now!"

P.S. I'm a Secret Widow would be a great reality show.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

We'll Always Have Hoboken

So long, farewell, auf wiedersehn, gooodbye! Don't let that park bench hit you in the ass on your way out...I'm actually a little disappointed that Paul isn't putting up more of a fight. What happened to "I have Lu Ann, and she's the best!" and your mild to moderate stalking? You're not even going to try to work it out?

"Two days ago, I was ready to marry you whilst wearing a modest, Victorian chastity dress and eagerly anticipating a move to Hoboken. I was ready to immediately have a baby (disregarding the laws of nature and gestation), leave that baby safely ensconced in the nursery you creepily pre-assembled, and commute via bridge and/or tunnel into the big city so that I could continue to give the world the gift of my squiggle art. I was prepared to live communally with your entire family in a sheltered compound, where I would lose all autonomy. But do you really think it's wise to see each other again?"

Monday, December 19, 2011

So What Do We Do Now?

I thought we were on the same page with the in love/ready for babies/constructing covered walkway between our house and my parents' house. But I guess I was wrong. You and your urban feminist ways, I guess you expected me to just come up and ask you if you were ready for marriage/babies/my parents as your overlords. So what do we do now?

My guess: share one last lunch at the Olive Garden (unlimited salad and breadsticks), where they'll discuss how they're going to break the news to Wally.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

You know what happens when you assume...

I can't believe Papa Linski would be like "Oh Paul! Bee tee dubs, before I forget, again, the love of your life was married seven years ago to a guy named Gary." And leave his beloved, golden haired son to believe that somewhere out there was a completely alive Gary Powers. A brown haired, orange jacket and black shirt wearing, piano affixer Gary Powers.

Yes Lu Ann, he doesn't know you at all. It's almost like he sees you as some two-dimensional cartoon version of the perfect woman.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Gary, Huh?

Originally I was going to make fun of Paul for being uncommonly affected and hurt by the name "Gary," buuut... when I think about it, I think I get the sentiment. It's like if I found out my boyfriend was married to a girl named Tiffany. No offense to all the Tiffanies out there, but I'd be like "TIFFANY?? Oh come on. No. You did NOT marry a Tiffany. Ugh. Who were you??"

Likewise, I am sure all the Tiffanies out there would react similarly if they found out their man had been married to a Maggie. "Maggie? Maggie? You married a dumpy Scottish chick??"

Private joke: it took me a long time to remember Casey's name, so I used to call her Tiffany. Or was it Stephanie? I can't even remember her fake name.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

You only background check the ones you love

Why? Hmm... could it be that she's not over her dead husband? Or she's a compulsive liar? Or is it that she knew you were a possessive, jealous (even of dead guys), and from the looks of it, potentially violent mama's boy who would overreact at the thought of his fiancee having touched another man, ever? It's OK LuAnn, just ask Paul, "Why didn't you tell me your parents were so suspicious and crazy?" Though, I guess she should have assumed they would do a background check before letting just anybody into their cult.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Lies Lies Lies Yeahh

"You're wrong, Paul! I never lied to you, in actual words, about stuff you knew about! But I should tell you about this weird dream I had last night. My old husband was in it! You know, my old husband? I just found out he died! .........oh I see what you're getting at."

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

I'm Angry!!!

Uh, is it the economy? Afghanistan? Long harbored resentment for the Netflix price increase? Paul's so angry his hair has gone highlighter yellow, while Lu Ann has gone into a full, preemptive worry bobble. I can only hope this break up is swift, so we can finally see what Tommie is up to.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Please Leave a Message-Beep

Let's file this one under "more creepy things my perfect boyfriends says." By the way, pretty sure this is not how cell phone voicemail works.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Cold Feet

I like how Margo is totally scandalized! "Wait a second, I finally approved of this and you're going to THROW IT ALL AWAY?? WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, LU ANN?! That I CAN'T convert your room into my personal gym?? I ALREADY ORDERED AN ELLIPTICAL MACHINE, so you'd better DRINK SOME MILK and GET YOUR HEAD ON STRAIGHT!!"

Looks like the wedding will be called off due to natural causes (e.g. Lu Ann's deep down flightiness). So, no grusome end for the Linski clan? Shucks.

Thursday, December 8, 2011


"It'll pass, kind of like my face is passing from my skull." Seriously, is her face melting? Maybe it's horrified at what Margo has become - a supportive, encouraging person - that it is leaving to find a new host.

By the way, now that we know Gary's dead, I'm hoping he'll haunt Lu Ann like she's been haunted before. Oh, and Paul! I don't mean metaphorically. I mean like "boo, I'm haunting you!" Then Paul and the Linski collective will really turn and run. They don't put up with that sort of fraternizing with the dead.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Major Gary

Dear Mrs. Powers,

sor-rry, we have been way backed up lately, jumping in and out of Iraq and Afghanistan, and then that whole Arab Spring thing happened, plus Libya, and just everyone was distracted. But enough about us.

U.S. Army Air Force Major Gary Powers has been declared killed in action. Like, a while ago. We are so sorry. We will send you his remaining possessions, including his Athens Summer Olympics hand towel and his Ashlee Simpson Autobiography CD. He sure did love that CD. And youuu...!

Take care,

Your friends at the U.S.
Army Air Force

Okay, I don't really know how the U.S. Army Air Force operates, their letters are probably a little nicer than that. In any case, that kind of nips the "dramatic soap opera reentrance" in the bud... UNLESS THERE'S A GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY. Oooh!

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Morning of Memories

I wish that I would wake up from a nightmare/roommate having a nightmare with my hair perfectly coiffed, eye makeup that highlights my eyes but isn't too heavy, and pouty, dew touched lips. First, if my roommate was having night terrors, I would, 95% of the time, sleep through it. Second, if actually awakened, I would have a full head of frizz and spend the first two minutes of being awake fumbling for my glasses, which were probably on my face when I fell asleep, and thus the entire night was spent crushing them out of shape before knocking them into a crevasse somewhere in the bed vicinity.

Ooo, so Gary disappeared before being declared dead/his whereabouts are still unknown? That opens up some interesting possibilities. He could pull a soap opera return from the dead and fight Paul to win back Lu Ann's heart. Or he's just dead and we're going to spend these next few weeks watching Lu Ann mope about it while Paul slowly backs out of this.

Monday, December 5, 2011

I've Been There

We can never see below these ladies' armpits, but it's pretty obvious Margo is folding her arms as she delivers that line in the second panel. And with a smile! "Dead lover nightmares? You can bet I've been there, girlfriend! Ha ha! Ha...." Meanwhile, Lu Ann is serving up some major Ann-Margret/Natalie Wood. Looking good!

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Only in Dreams

Oh Margo, it's like the software that pairs emotions with the proper facial expression was being updated when you were awakened by Lu Ann's night terrors. Poor Tommie is even losing strip time comforting Lu Ann, which she would be way better than Margo at. Maybe she's at the hospital nursing an orphan.

If this were an episode of Golden Girls, this nightmare would lead to a late night cheesecake party and some Old World Sophia wisdom. Unfortunately, this is just the opening act to a long, slow story about the Gary Powers we never got to know. But now I am hungry for cheesecake.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Hold Me Close, Tiny Gary

Oh my gosh, Lu Ann DOES care about Gary! know, Gary? Good ol' Gar! I guess that's the name of her dead fighter pilot husband, who she hasn't mentioned for 35 years. But what if she's talking about Tommie's old flame?? That would be totally scandalous! And weird. That guy was icky.

Well, so with the "Dream of Death" (something Margo's well versed in), I guess we're implying that Lu Ann is still hung up on her dead husband? And she didn't tell Paul about her previous marriage not because it took place decades ago and it doesn't matter to her anymore/it's all in the past/she genuinely forgot, but because she's ummmmmm deceptive? Being coy? I don't buy it. Lu Ann has like zero guile. Maybe Margo can give her some tips after she finishes screaming at Lu Ann for waking her up.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Let's Do the Time Warp

She probably just hasn't had time to bring it up, Paul.

I wish the question had been one of the ones you folks came up with yesterday, but this is pretty fascinating. They're putting an actual timeframe on the time warp that these people live in. Does anyone know when she actually married her first husband? In the 60s? And apparently I'm too bad at math to figure out the ratio of A3G years to real years, but uh... it's kind of staggering right?

I would love this to wind up being the case, but I guess they'll just make up some story about how her husband died that doesn't take place in the Vietnam era. But really, wouldn't everything make so much more sense if it was still, like, the 70s in A3G world?

I hope in this version, Margo murders Gary. Nobody breaks up their little apartment... nobody. So watch yourself, Paul.