Hemorrhoids

I'm really going to have to conduct a poll once this strip settles down a little with the kooky dialogue to figure out which quote the new banner should feature. There have been so many epic quotes recently, including this gem about the invention of hemorrhoids. I have to say, Carol's cheery command of "Get the stick out!" is probably still my favorite.

In other news, did Tina Grant just stumble through the backyard like Bigfoot? And no one stopped her? Tommie stone cold doesn't care. "Not my problem if some random lady stomps all over our yard and lets all the animals out and pees in the fridge and changes everything about the background scenery in the process. It's time to work my head off."

Dramatic

Boop! We're inside now. Does that make this conversation easier to swallow? No? How about if they talk about things Tommie obviously won't comprehend, like human behavior or emotional wounds? No? Still boring?

I give up! There's obviously no way to make this strip interesting within the strict regulations of newspaper comics, which state that all comics must feature two characters in the foreground from the armpit up looking at each other and talking. Those are the rules, right?

The Neverending Story

Sigh... OK Tommie, let me break this down for you.

Horse (noun) - a large, solid-hoofed, herbivorous quadruped, Equus caballus, domesticated since prehistoric times, bred in a number of varieties, and used for carrying or pulling loads, for riding, and for racing.

Ride (verb) - to sit on and manage a horse or other animal in motion; be carried on the back of an animal.

Jack Riley (noun) - a man, physically indistinguishable from any other man in the world, who is kind of a dick, let's be honest.

I'm not sure why Tommie is so confused by the fact that this eccentric guy who took her and her fawn in would run off somewhere on his horse. ("But he's always been so reliable! He's never left in the past 3 days I've been here!") But I figured she might just literally not understand what Carol is saying? That might explain some of it?

Just Going to Irritate Me

For those of you who think this "plot" (using the word informally) can't move any slower: once this gets sorted out, I guarantee the Professor is going to show up any minute now looking for his drinking buddy and we'll have to hear about how he disappeared all over again.

So I guess what I'm trying to say, readers, is that I understand if you stop checking in with the blog for a few days or weeks at this point. Just come back when Jack actually does see a ghost. Or Lily runs away. Or Margo is ever featured in the strip again.

Jack's Not Here, We Get It!

First, Carol looks like the American Gothic version of Lu Ann, and then Tommie inhabits Lu Ann's mind, by being incapable of understanding how humans can move without cars.

These last few strips have been worse than the "tell don't show" mode of storytelling that we've grown accustomed to.  This is "tell us something we already know, repeatedly because one of other characters is slow on the uptake" is pretty annoying.

Work Your Head Off

I think normally when you choose to, or are asked to, "______ your head off," it's an action that is naturally head-related, like talking or laughing for example. I've never heard of "work[ing] your head off." Let's try to think of a suitable alternative, shall we? Great, go...

• Work your tail off?
• Work your body off?
• Work your hair flat?
• Work your crewneck blue?
• Work your deer into a proper foster home?

Different People

Get the stick out?  Is that supposed to be referring to the stick up Tommie's butt that makes her rigid and unfriendly?  Or is this some regional colloquialism with which I am not familiar?

I'm not sure why Tommie finds it so hard to get along with Carol...She looks like Lu Ann and is bossing her around like Margo.  She should feel right at home!

Lowest Form of Female

Thursday June 19, 2014

I don't even know what's going on. Where are they with that marble staircase? An academic building? A plantation, maybe? Either way, take it from a lady who knows: now that he's loose, you will never see that cat ferret squirrel thing again.

Friday June 20, 2014

Poor Carol. Her life's purpose is to prepare meals for unappreciative people. Truly, she is... the lowest form of female. Way worse than lady murderers, or lady liars, or even just plain lady jerks. Um, by the way, Tommie, you do your own shopping? So where do you live? Is Jack paying you anything? Do you have your own quarters on the plantation? WHERE'S LILY??

Gossip Gossip Gossip!!!

I have to say, what I saw was not so much gossip as unsolicited helpfulness. Was that the whole interaction with Tina? Because 50% of it was pleasantries. Nevertheless: traumatic enough that Carol left without buying anything and put that squirrel thing back on her lap. Grrr...!

Maybe it's time to move to the big city, girl. Maybe it's time to move in with your doppelganger, whose address is already programmed into the jalopy's GPS, push her out the window, and assume her life. Maybe...

The Gossip Queen

We can add food stores to the ever growing list of things that Frank can't draw (cats, fawns, bags of takeout...), unless he spends a lot of time at grocery stores full of dark alleys.  At first I thought this was the town busy body who gave Tommie the 411 on Dr. Jack in the first place.  I waded back through the three months of this story to find out, but that was Thelma Cobb, not Gina.  Happiness Falls, Population 4 (I'm assuming Carol lives there too).  I hope there is a flip-off.  Not someone giving the finger, but an impromptu, no-holds barred contest as to who best rocks the feathered flip. 

Mighty Hunter

Ugh. Talking about this strip has started feeling like telling someone about my most boring dreams. "So I was outside saying goodbye to this guy, who was chasing ghosts through upstate New York on horseback or something, and then suddenly I was inside wearing a different shirt, and I was holding this cat squirrel thing I guess? And I was saying it couldn't sit on my lap, and it wasn't, it was just kind of floating there, but then suddenly I was sitting down and it WAS on my lap? And I was demanding it catch me a mouse? I don't know. Is this boring you?"

Haunted

If only this meant that Jack wasn't coming back and that this interminable storyline was over.  But now we're in for at least a month of Tommie being enslaved by Carol while Jack is off having some sort of seance with the ghosts of his past.  At least living with Margo has prepared her for exactly this scenario.

Ghosts

Carol, please, just let him go! You've trailed behind Jack through like eight changes of scenery this week. We can't miss the dope if he never leaves. Actually, it's pretty unlikely that we'll ever miss him, but come on, at least give us a chance!

Crack That Whip

When did this become less Bridges of Madison County and more 12 Years a Slave? (I’d say 50 Shades of Grey, but this is A3G we’re talking about). 

You Crazy, Beautiful Man!

Oh excuse me, I'm sorry, I thought I was writing a snarky blog about the comic strip Apartment 3G, not The Boring-Ass Life of a Surly Large Animal Vet and the Women He Withholds His Love From, a comic which revolves around women making breakfast in exchange for zero gratification. And occasionally there are pictures of dingos.

He's Just Not That Into You

Top five signs that your dead best friend's widower is just not that into you:

1)  When you show up unannounced, he makes it a good 6-8 hours in your presence before leaving for an unplanned vacation without a return date.
2)  A man who works alone on a farm in Happiness Falls (population 2), tells you he needs more alone time.
3)  He's willing to callously abandon the newborn calves, damaged mares and feral orphans that he spends his days and nights tending to without a second thought.
4)  He gave you an incredibly awkward kiss only after you browbeat him into doing it.  And he was probably planning his escape the entire time.
5)  He holds his coffee mug like a dainty teacup.

My advice?  Pick up the pieces and then do some internet research on finding a good chemical peel/laser resurfacing/botox party. 

Go Back to Bed

Noooo...! Not another week of Jack and Old Lu Ann talking! I can't stand it! And now we're introducing more boring characters?? I'm beside myself here. What are the chances this Joey character is a talking bloodhound, or a meth addict, or well drawn?

Stable Mates

Um, it's not that weird for a baby deer to be friends with a horse.  I mean they both have four legs, hooves, eat lots of vegetation...A baby deer and a great white shark being friends, that would be remarkable.   Maybe this means Old Lu Ann and Tommie will be fast friends...

Hey, You Guys!!

Guys, you gotta come check this out! It turns out if you wear a Hanes turtleneck for eight straight weeks, it actually starts putrefying on your body! Look at the color change already, it's incredible! And just try ripping off a piece, it will dissolve right in your hands!

Undead

Carol can tell you from experience how easy it is to come back to the land of the living after dying. Eek.

Also, like, I'm sure Tommie's fiance of about a week was awesome and all, but the one person who gave her life meaning and joy? Don't let Margo hear you say that. She gives Tommie's life plenty of meaning. The "joy" thing... that might not be an issue.

Guess

I don't ask, Carol. But it's not hard to guess.

Tommie probably picked Lily up off the side of the road. A teenage runaway. You know the story: alcoholic dad, fretful mother. She hates the uncertainty and tension of their den, so she starts staying out late, smoking cigarettes, wearing orange hunting vests just to be provocative. Then one night, at a stag party, she has a drink. And another. And another! She gets home after a late night of partying and sees herself in the mirror and damned if she doesn't see her father staring back, that son of a buck! That's when she runs away. And I guess that's when Tommie found her!

Anyway, that's my theory. I've got it pretty well worked out, so I'm not sure it could be anything else.

No Time to Talk

This is the farm, Carol!  We don't talk about our horrible losses, we deaden their pain with manual labor.  Then we feel nothing, nothing but the heavy sludge of manure beneath our feet.

On a side note, and maybe I'm alone on this, but I feel like going after your dead friend's husband is an uncomfortable gray area.  I would pretty much need a vision of said dead friend saying "No, really, this is totally what I want!" before I would even consider it.  I guess Lu Ann + Eye Bags doesn't have the same qualms or a good retinol cream.

Nothing Has Changed

Say what?? The most awkward, tepid kiss in the universe wasn't enough to satisfy the emotional chasm inside of Carol that Jack has no capacity to fill?

Ah, remember the halcyon days when Jack was described as "the original cranky guy with a heart of gold" which I thought mean he would be old and grizzled and maybe a prospector? And then we got this guy. And Lily... died... I guess? Man.

A Proper Kiss

I'm back!  Many thanks to Maggie and Casey for covering this scintillating story line while I was traveling for work.   So Lily is still MIA, Tommie is damaged and this old Lu Ann is trying to smooch on Dr. Jack?

Jack and Carol are attempting the high degree of difficulty, rarely attempted, fully vertical kiss.  It requires deep concentration and extremely small noses.