Happiness Falls Central School

College? I'm not even positive she graduated high school. I've never heard of a high school not having the words "high school" in it, I guess. But maybe Happiness Falls is different? Maybe it's so small that all kids K-12 are taught in the same "central" building? I don't know, I grew up in New Jersey, where there were way too many kids everywhere. Gee, I'm learning so much from this storyline! Tell me more, Carol Collins!

Slow Day at the Farm

But we, the loyal readers and writers of this blog have better things to do.  I mean I can't wait to find out what shocking revelations await us from Carol's life story.  Secret debilitating illness?  Drugs? Buying a lifetime supply of three button blouses?

Over under on when this storyline wraps up?  My guess is 9/10/14.

Big Wheel

The first panel gives you hope that maybe, somehow, we've managed to dodge a few more weeks of mind-numbing flashbackless exposition, but nope! Tommie is back in her traditional pink turtleneck, and she's hungry for more stories, dammit. Unless the promise Tommie refers to is not "you tell me your story and I'll tell you mine" but "Monday is Ladies' Night at El Cervatillo Loco! From 4:00 until closing, half price margaritas and appetizers including our microwavable nachos famoso."

The only good thing about today is the nickname "Big Wheel," which I have to say I find completely charming.

Story Time

Maybe if you are drinking a lot of margaritas, Tommie's life story will seem incredibly interesting.  Or at least you'll pass out before she reaches the handsome British fiance/plane crash/brought an orphan fawn to a Manattan apartment period.

The Tommie Meme You've Been Waiting For

I've always wanted a chance to try out the website memegenerator.net. Finally, Tommie and her glare of suspicion—betraying both a brain hard at work and a total lack of comprehension—has given me a reason. Behold, the Tommie meme! Available for your own captioning at http://memegenerator.net/Tommie-Thomson/caption. (warning: some of the content posted on that site is probably NSFW.)

She is thinking oh-so-hard, and super imposed onto the Planet Express Ship, in honor of the Fry meme.

In general, I found the site easy to use, although I wish I had more control over the size/line breaks in the text, which were sometimes awkward. But it gave me a wonderful excuse to go through some of your delightful comments.

I'm thinking I probably need to make one of these for every main character in the strip... including Lily.

That's a Gift

At least they were together at the end. That's a gift, Carol. Another gift is that everyone got to meet Ellen, so they know she's a real person. Just imagine if she mysteriously died in a "plane crash" before anyone got to talk to her. Jack can find solace in that.

The Dreaded Sickness

Smart, Ellen. I'm pretty sure Jack would have told her to work through her sickness, regardless of whatever said mysterious sickness was. Better to lay low and avoid mucking horse manure for a little while.

Five Glorious Years

Who among us is not delighted by Tommie's look of squinty suspicion in the second panel? This is the stuff of meme generators... which I will be creating shortly after work today, modelled on the fantastic Futurama meme below.

So think of Tommie's deepest most poignant suspicions and I'll pop them into the meme generator later today.

The NeverEnding Story: Part 10000

Yes, by all means, let's get as much backstory on these incidental characters as humanly possible.  I don't think we know nearly enough about them.  We wouldn't want to have a poorly fleshed out supporting cast when the main characters are so multifaceted and richly developed.

Speaking of backstory, Tommie is showing off those farm labor delts in the second panel.  As much as one can show off in a loose fitting turtleneck.  Keep lifting that fawn girl!

I Feel Great!

Well, what is there to say about this, the squarest consumption of drugs in the strip since "Wow. This dope is super!" ?? I mean, I get why people avoid margaritas because they've had a bad experience with tequila, or the drinks are too sugary, or whatever, but how did Tommie, who seems pretty pumped about this tasty concoction, manage just not to have a margarita all these years? Doesn't she live in a major metropolitan area? Didn't she go to college? Isn't it pretty likely it's Lu Ann's drink of choice? How old is Tommie supposed to be? What else hasn't she done? Eat Chinese food? Lick an envelope?

I don't know. All I know is that Tommie is probably wasted and now she's going to... drive a horse into the garage or something. Right? Something has to happen now. Please lord just let something happen!

Mares and Margaritas

Ugh, why won't this end!   Instead, we get to sit through a week of Tommie and Carol loosening their collars/lowering their turtlenecks to kick back and have only one margarita.  Which will probably be drunk out of an old-timey looking can.  It will be like a rural, prudish Sex and the City.

Why Can't We Be Friends?

Carol, please. I have enough friends that look like you already. I'm here to work, I guess? I thought I was here to drop off a deer, but after I came down with this wicked case of "Johnny Tremain hand," I realized there was no place in society for me but shoveling manure at Happiness Falls. So yes, I'm here to WORK. Unless it's too hot, in which case, I'm here to LOAF.

Advice

Ohhhh.... Tommie, Carol.... a quick word:

Carol, sweetie, you don't actually need to morph into a horse to make friends.

Tommie, honey, poor choice of simile. 

All clear? Great! Keep on doing... whatever it is you're doing.

Never Could Have Guessed

"Time, patience, and something I never could have guessed!" Well this is a sure-to-be-disappointing set-up, but I personally hope the Thursday reveal is either 1. coaching Mary the mare to the strains of "The Greatest Love of All" by Whitney Houston or 2. the confidence that comes with healthy, shiny, flake-free hair!

 But it's probably something bogus like talking Mary to death about her personal problems until the horse begs for mercy and does whatever Tommie says.

Back to Work

Yea, what is your hurry?  You took approximately a week off from your chores to prank Tina, so just ease on back into it.  And how are you qualified to rehabilitate a horse?  Shouldn't that be done by a veterinarian?  Or Robert Redford?

Mary is a terrible name for a horse.  Or is it supposed to be Mare-y?  I'd vote for Nagitha Christie or Arianna Hoofington.

Hurtful Gossip

Oh, to be a fly on the wall to witness Tina's hurtful gossip about Tommie. How many of the following phrases do you think came up?

• fish-lipped
• beady-eyed
• smelly turtleneck'd
• amorphous haircut
• cervidaphile
• manure-shoveler
• works her head off
• falls asleep in her dinner
• had an Italian fiance that no one ever met, not even once
• "the funny one"

Giggle-Snort-Guffaw!

OK, maybe this whole "baby prank" thing was worth it, just for today's strip.   I mean it has spoken word laughter and Tommie's delusion that Margo and Lu Ann think she's the funny one.  Margo thinks you're the maid and Lu Ann wouldn't be smart enough to figure out why "Lily is a deer not a baby" is funny.  Or smart enough to figure out that it's not really that funny.

Bye-Bye, Tina

Well! This payoff was certainly worth it. We got to see Lily again, who looks maybe more like a husky than a dingo at this point and we got to see Carol explode into PEELS of laughter (aka looking blissed out and staring at the ground) and plus Tina almost cursed! Totally worth it.

So I guess we've taken this plotline as far as it will go! Time to check up on Margo and/or young Lu Ann.

Beautiful Baby

Actual text I sent to Maggie and Megan this morning "Will this storyline please end merciful god"

Maggie says that should be my only commentary. I am more than happy to take that advice because WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE AND WHERE DID TOMMIE'S EYES GO????

I personally think Tommie should have continued the ruse - "What do you mean, a deer? THIS IS MY BABY AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!" Mostly because after this little misunderstanding, I imagine Tina would just go back to her small town gossip. But if she thinks Tommie's legit psycho, she'll be out of there in a hot minute.

Curl Up in the Hay

I think this ridiculous baby/fawn mix-up is still going on, but the Washington Post is so bored/disgusted/apathetic to it all that it won't even show me what's going on anymore:

So instead, I'm just going to write the dialogue so far and see just how hilarious this has become, even without the benefit of Frank Bolle's classic illustrations! Where will it rank in terms of timeless comedy bits? Are we in in the realm of the "Dead Parrot" skit, or merely "Who's on First"? I'll update this post when we come to the sure-to-be-hysterical conclusion.

Tina: Yoo-hoo, Carol—oh, good, you're still here!
Carol: Yes, Tina... (sigh) I'm still here.
Tina: Word has it that Jack is on one of his crazy streaks.
Carol: Someone is pulling your leg, Tina.
Tina: I have it from a good source, Carol. We both know that Jack is unpredictable.
Carol: (probably questioning what the hell sources she's got, there are like two people in this town) Your source is mistaken, Tina.
Tina: It's okay, Carol. You don't have to pretend everything is fine. I'm here for you, dear.
Carol: (demon faced) I have no idea what you are talking about.
Suddenly...
Carol: Oh, Tommie's here. Tina, have you met Jack's assistant?
Tina: Um, no. I haven't, Carol.

Here's where the hilarity really ramps up. Hold on to your hats guys.

Tommie: Don't mind me—I'm just getting milk for baby.
Tina: How exciting! I just adore babies, don't I, Carol!
Carol: (totally delighted face)
Tina: (coy) How old is you darling child, dear?
Tommie: Call me Tommie. The baby is four months old, Tina.
Tina: Like I always say, Carol—the joy of motherhood is the greatest joy of all!
Carol: (unexpectedly dejected) Right, Tina. Especially if you have a nanny.
Tina: May I see your baby, Tommie?
Tommie: Oh sure, Tina. Lily must be around here somewhere.
Tina: You're joking, right?
Tommie: My Lily is quite active, Tina.
Tina: Now you're just being silly, Tommie. Everyone knows a four-month-old can't crawl!
Tommie: Just wait and see.
Tina: Where is Lily?
Tommie: Probably in the barn--she loves to curl up in the hay.
Tina: You can't be serious, Tommie! Carol, say something!!
Carol: Say something about what, Tina?
Tina: Okay, Tommie—you and Carol are both crazy!
Tommie: I hear footsteps‐here comes Lily!
Tina: Lily is a deer?!!
Tommie: Oh, did I forget to mention that, Tina?
Tina: If this is your idea of a joke, it's not funny, Tommie!
Tommie: Carol is laughing, Tina.
Carol: (hardly present, recalling happier times, perhaps)
Tina: You two witches can go to... well you know where!!
Carol: Bye-bye, Tina.

My only wish is that this hilarity lasts forever. Or at least until I die. Which if I'm lucky should be in about 70 years. I plan to live to be 100. And read about this hilarity every day of my life.

The Joy of Motherhood is the Greatest Joy of All

Thursday July 3, 2014

Friday July 4, 2014

Monday July 7, 2014

The greatest joy of alllllllllll.... is easy to achieeeeve.... learning to love your deer, is the greatest joy of all.

Oh boy you guys! Something HILARIOUS is about to happen! There is going to be a hilarious denouement here  involving Lily, which is a bonus since we haven't seen Lily since she was forced to hug a horse. How long can this hilarious series of misunderstandings go on? Weeks, I hope!!

Nosy Tina

So after Carol basically offered her anything she wanted not to leave, Tommie... left, I guess? I hope this means that she'll come back dressed as Jack, and Tina will totally buy it because people's faces morph all the time in this universe, and it'll be awesome.

Probably the real truth is that Tommie is standing there silently, somehow staying out of the constantly-rotating picture, and she'll pipe up in about a week with, "Nuh-uh, Jack's totally still here, k gotta do some farm stuff byyyyyeeee."

One of His Crazy Streaks

Sounds like someone is pulling your leg, Tina. Just like someone will be stuffing your body into the back of a black Lincoln Continental in just a few minutes.

Negotiations

Um, I guess this means that Tina is still traipsing through the flowerbeds?  Because I swore she was right next you guys.  Maybe she's hiding behind that white Bronco with OJ, just out of earshot.

I wonder what Tommie's price is?  The right to be the only one wearing pink for the next three weeks?  A third turtleneck?  A week of Carol's complete and utter silence?