Naked Christmas!!

The Professor has forgotten about Christmas in Queens so fast it'll make Ruby's head bobble. "Let's do something crazy" probably isn't the exact phrasing he was hoping for, but it'll do, by God! Now let's get back to the hotel, have a couple drinks, and take off our clothes!

To the savvy reader, Bobbie's "top of the world" high can be explained three ways:

1. good news from P.I. Alecx
2. the least effective sleeping pills ever
3. unbridled and unconditional love of poinsettias?
   

For me it would be number three, of course! They're lovely and festive.

Merry Christmas, everyone! I'll be back in a few days, unless the Professor and Bobbie really do get naked in print, in which case I would be forced to post. A Christmas miracle!

Party of Four

Boo! Margo, the Professor, and Bobbie all aren't going to the party? They were the ones that were going to make this interesting! Now it's just going to be Ruby and her boyfriend making out on the couch and Tommie drinking a lot to endure the awkwardness of hanging out with Lu Ann (who I bet is a teetotaler). Might be interesting to see for a few panels, but sooner than later we'll be begging to watch the Professor file paperwork.

That's a little unkind, actually. My favorite part of the The Mary Tyler Moore Show was that Mary always threw terrible parties. Sad for Mary, but nothing's funnier than a bad party. So, okay, I'm back on board with Christmas in Queens!

I'll be in Queens for Christmas

Hahaha! If the Professor had coffee in his mouth when he heard Ruby's invitation, it would've been all over Tommie's jacket by now. The Professor is shocked that not only does Ruby have friends in Queens, but that she has friends, period. (hitherto the most he could say about her was that she had a lot of neighbors) This is probably what the conversation sounded like from the Professor's point of view.

Professor: Hi, Tommie.
Tommie: Professor, I was hoping I'd run into you. Ruby invited us all to a Christmas party in hell.
Professor: Ruby has friends?! and they live in hell?
Tommie: She does now. That's where her Satan-worshipping blood-drinking ethnic-food-eating boyfriend lives.

This is going to be great! The Professor will of course invite Bobbie to tag along, and then they'll be awkward tensions between the Professor and Ruby, and Bobbie will make a lot of snide comments, and probably the night will end with Margo having another tremendous mood swing and burning the place down. I love the holidays!

Whoa there, Mata Hari

Gabriella knows how Martin feels about waiting, since she used to be his servant, but the rest of us are left to guess. What horrors did he visit on Gabriella when she was off schedule with his morning coffee, or a day late changing the sheets? In any case, it's not enough to deter her from wanting to get back into Martin's life/good graces/pants. But if she thinks it's a good idea to doublecross Margo, she is so hilariously wrong. Don't give her any more excuses than she needs to start lighting things on fire.

Speaking of which, I think Casey has a valid point about burning down the Mills Gallery. Not only would it provide an emotional release, but depending on the Gallery's insurance situation, it would be an easy way to wriggle out of all that debt that has got to be piling up.

Back from Sunny Florida!

Hi everyone! It's me, Maggie! I'm back from Gainesville with no tan to show for it. I had a lovely time though. If you're ever in the Florida area and you need an architectural photographer, may I recommend Robert Pepple? He's a gem and a lot of fun to work with, which I think is important because I'm a Millennial. Check out this fork sculpture we made!

Perfectly. Balanced.

I want to give a big thank you to my friend Casey who contributed three fine posts in my absence that either met or excelled my standards for humor and punctuality. Plus she told not even one embarrassing story about me. That's friendship.


But now I'm back and behind schedule, so let's see what's going on with Margo today!

Ooh. We all thought Margo was inheriting big money, but it sounds like all she gets is stuck holding the bag with the Mills Gallery. I don't think it's any secret that the Mills Gallery is pretty much a money pit. Art isn't really a hot commodity in this economy, and the last time the Gallery had an exhibit was almost two years ago. Actually, Margo's been in charge of the Gallery since Eric tromped off to Tibet, so I don't know why she's being so "WHY ME?!" about it, except that now she's financially responsible for all the debt she's racked up over the past year. All those two martini lunches are coming back to haunt her.

Meanwhile, jeez, would you turn around and face your mother when you talk to her! I don't think my mom would talk to the back of my head for this long.

Zzzzzz

That look in the second panel is pretty telling to me. Margo is currently plotting Eric's niece's untimely demise. Not that it'll really help her at all, but she just doesn't like to share.

And why has everything this week been like, white and blue and gray? It's really putting me to sleep. Did the colorist run out of other colors?

Maggie picked a pretty bad week to go on her business trip, because I've been hecka busy this week - yeah Maggie, let's try to make things more convenient for me next time, shall we? ;) But anyway, even though I've only had about 5 minutes to devote to coming up with something to say here and posting it up, it's been fun! Thanks for being gentle, readers! Maggie will be back tomorrow. I hope. Bye!

Brace Yourself, This Is the Greatest Story Ever

I sadly have very little to say about this strip, except that Margo is being a little overdramatic. I mean, if I were Gabriella and Margo came to me and said "Eric's will was read today, mama. Well, that's all. See you later," I think I'd be a little disappointed. So yeah, I'm pretty sure there's more to the story Margo, let's just stop throwing around terms like "brace yourself" willy-nilly - I think she's braced. You could at least say "brace yourself, there's a really cool ending to this story."

Empty Threats

So I know I said I wouldn't update until late, and that I'd basically singlehandedly ruin Maggie's blog. But I guess I'm just an old softy, because I realized that I have magic time jumping capabilities and can actually get tomorrow's comic today *on the west coast* so I figured I might as well update. YOU'RE WELCOME, WORLD.

I really like today's A3G, which is why I'm actually commenting on it instead of doing what I'd planned. Maybe tomorrow, but I'm pretty lazy so who knows? Anyway, I guess the whole Eric's will thing could be pretty emotionally draining, but I still don't buy that Margo had a difficult day. Have we gotten an actual number value on her inheritance? I'd like to think that what she means in the second panel is "YOUR money, power, and connections can't fix everything.... because now I have my own. Also, I'm made of ice so the snow doesn't bother me."

This is kind of off topic, but can we assume Tommie is in the process of throwing herself off a bridge? Fingers crossed.

White Christmas

God, it is white out today! Can't see more than three feet in any direction for the whiteness. Martin, do you think this is the best day to be driving your all white car, with white leather interior and white reflective windows? Maybe he drove that on purpose to sneak up on Margo. It didn't work out so well, with the dialogue devolving into a PSA for not accepting car rides from strangers or your dad. Always set up a password with your parents, kids.

Well guys, it's been fun! I'm off to sunny Florida on a business trip for most of this week, but one of my friends suggested I try installing a guest blogger while I'm out. After all, we can't afford to miss a day of this action-packed plot! My longtime friend and sometimes commentator Casey will be filling in for me while I'm gone. It's her first time blogging so... please be gentle.

Goodbye, Tim

Yes, it's a long drive to Tibet or wherever. Thanks for the offer Tim, but I need to walk... down to Saks Fifth Avenue. This money isn't going to spend itself, and I should really get something for Lu Ann and my maid Tommie. It's the holiday season after all!

Tim seems a little taken aback by Margo's display of affection... he probably hasn't heard very warm things about her from his wife Nora. I'm not sure if it's a genuine hug or if she's trying to dig her hooks into him as deep as she can... she's probably already missing the other 50% of the inheritance.

Dollar Bills, Y'all!

You were silent in the attorney's office, but you're allowed to say it now, Margo: PAYDIRT!! Whoooo! What color turtlenecks do you think she'll buy first??

Also, let us briefly observe what a subtle and nuanced euphamism "left the country" is for death. It's like "went on vacation" for adults.

Tim?!

Weird expression on Margo in the second panel. Maybe she was expecting to see Tim Mills'
Journal, not the man himself, but if that's the best brave smile she can muster, she's in trouble. Where are they, anyway? Are they outside, or is that a blue accent wall? Attorneys are such a colorful bunch.

Oh, How I Dread This

Oh, so Margo's still alive! That's good. And Eric's still dead. That's bad. But at least Margo is present enough to keep up with the fashion trend that's sweeping New York City: white turtlenecks! Bobbie can't get enough of them. Alecx can't buy them fast enough. Add a jacket or blazer and you'll look as regal as a captain on a tugboat. Although I will say, I'm surprised Margo isn't wearing a hat. Judging by the background characters, at least 78% of New Yorkers wear hats.

in BLOOD!!!

I'm starting to wonder what Bobbie thinks her husband that's so awful, in addition to cheating on her with a younger women. Maybe she thinks her husband is cheating on her with her twin sister, Bibbie. OR BETTER YET, her twin brother, Robbie. Yess. And they're emotionally invested in each other. Double points. In any case, she's pretty rattled for a lady with a stone for a heart.

Thump

Ah!! Okay, the thing about Bobbie is, she's supposed to be pretty, right? Or at least alluring and well dressed? Or something! And most of the time she looks borderline normal, which is the best we can hope for maybe. But once a week or so her face transforms and she looks terrible! I don't know who she looks like in the second panel, but I think it's Jughead. And NO woman wants to hear that.

Meanwhile, I will take that tiny "thump" sound effect to mean that Alecx's chest is an empty, heartless cavern. Probably the right choice for Bobbie, if only he could figure out what she wanted to hear.

Look, Bobbie...

Sorry for the lame post yesterday. I was on a tight deadline at work, but I felt like I had to say something. Yet there was nothing to say yesterday, and there's pretty much nothing to say today either, except that you would think a professional private eye would have higher grade photographical equipment than an iPhone. Give me a reason to snark on you, Apartment 3-G! I need character development, rising action, plot twists, crazy outfits, angry Margo, ghosts, anything!, not a retreaded plot point from a month ago!!

That's Not His Style

I don't know about this Alex Alec character. What more can I say?

On the Lower East Side?! .......is that bad?

Okay, this is kind of embarrassing to confess, but even though I live in New Jersey, I don't spend that much time in New York City. Like, at all. All I know is that I like to party in Koreatown. Could someone who lives in New York, or knows New York, or at least watches Sex in the City, tell me how justified Bobbie's reaction is?

Catch Up

Ah, what a relaxing Thanksgiving break I had. I watched the National Dog Show, had a couple of beers, did a jigsaw puzzle, enjoyed a delicious turkey dinner prepared by my mother, and watched one of my favorite Christmas movies of all time: Home Alone. And then I slept for three days. It was great! Did everyone else have a nice time?

Friday November 26, 2009

Looks like Tommie took it easy, chilling with her pals Earl Grey and Mr. Anthropomorphic Teapot. She talks about having lots of friends, but I'm not really sure who she's talking about. Also, Tommie, you've been playing this fiddle for almost three years now. I think we're reaching the threshold of our collective sympathy, if we had any to begin with.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Mr. Bobbie Merrill has also had a relaxing Thanksgiving break, having switched from Lu Ann to Margo (I hope I hope). Actually, an affair with Margo would probably be anything but relaxing... I guess we're beginning to suspect this Alec/x fellow, since he's leading the witness and all, plus his name changed from Alex to Alec, plus he's dressing like a sea captain. In Alec/x's defense, pictures printed from a camera phone tend to be a bit blurry.

Gobble Gobble!

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! Whether you're enjoying a traditional turkey dinner at home with your family or a pulled pork and coleslaw sandwich with a virtual stranger IN QUEENS!! WHO KNEW?! I hope you, dear readers, have someone special to share the day with. I am thankful for all of you all, as well as Margo, head bobbling, Ruby's bows, Taser Lady, and the word "tootle." Amen!

Thank You?

Normally I'd guess that was a compliment, but her expression is a little world-weary. It's kind of like a Ziggy punchline, if Ziggy was a girl. Or maybe it would work better in The Lockhorns... Also, especially in the second panel, I think Ruby looks less like Dolly Parton and more like Shelley Winters circa Lolita. Am I right? Eh? Am I? Come on. My sisters say I'm awful at making celebrity comparisons, but I think I'm right on with this one.

A Real Nice Guy!

I guess Ruby figured I Dressed in the Dark just wasn't going to call, so she decided to cut her own hair and change her own bows and buy her own acid-wash jean jacket and just get on with her life! Never changed her earrings though... they're her signature. Go get'm, honey!

Meanwhile Tommie, not realizing the audition is over, continues to look as homely as possible.

Who May I say is Tootling?

I knew it. I knew Bobbie would be this way. I knew she'd just go back to her hotel room, slip on her dental hygenist's uniform, and sneer at the Professor's sincerity. What I did NOT expect was the giant tootles emminating from the phone. Ms. Margaret Shulock, Mr. Frank Bolle: I'm not sure which one of you I should be addressing, but you guys, no phone in the history of phonedom has ever tootled ever, especially not with stink lines eminating from it. I'm just looking out for your professional reputations.

.............

Oh who am I kidding! I love the tootling! I think it's the funniest thing! Never stop the phones from tootling, guys! I take it all back!

Spy v. Spy

Have the girls have become so uninteresting that we instead have to listen to the Professor muse to himself that he feels like a teenager and doesn't want to be careful [with his heart]? ....yes.

One thing that's always interesing: the background characters. Specifically that private eye in the first panel. Are his motivations purely monetary, or is this a personal job? Who does he come home to at night? Is that his car he's tapping on in the first panel, or someone else's? And uh oh, there's the Professor too.

KABLAM!!

OH SHIT! Not only did Bobbie make a clever little pun while delicately stroking the Professor's jacket, she KISSED HIM ON THE LIPS! She kissed a werewolf! Awesome.

What's going to be more awesome is when those elevator doors shut: her smile will vanish immediately and she'll start scheming how to shove her affair with Dr. Whositz in her estranged husband's face. Either that or she'll have a more boring "Could I be falling in love?" moment. Could go either way, folks!

After 5 lbs of Rice Pudding...

Either Bobbie is acting like that overly dramatic girl from high school that I always hated, or this plot is about to twist in a major way, revealing that Bobbie is being chased by actual monsters. Or maybe both! Maybe Margaret Shulock has been inspired by the Twilight series into making a melodramatic sci-fi love story. I don't blame you, Margaret! Twilight is red hot right now! Plus it confirms my deep-seated suspicions that the Professor is actually a werewolf.

Margo v. Bobbie

Oh no no no no no, Bobbie. If you think you're going to steal the "poor little rich girl" title away from Margo, you're going to have to pry it from her cold dead hands.

And WHOA what has happened to the Professor's hand?!!

Bizarre Love Triangle

Nice, Velma. "The Professor comes here and chows down on lumpy rice pudding almost every day, but it's not like anyone was ever attracted to him before!" Meanwhile, in one panel, Bobbie has managed to physically insert herself between Velma and the Professor. Someone a little jealous, Bobbie?

Come for the Salibury Steak, Stay for the Rice Pudding

Saturday November 14, 2009

Monday November 16, 2009

Okay, I can see the Prof taking Bobbie out to some low-key hole in the wall with great atmosphere, or some hidden dance hall with live jazz, something to give this a little Jack Dawson/Rose DeWitt appeal. A cafeteria I was not expecting. Especially a cafeteria named Wardle's... isn't a wardle the red hangy thing on a turkey's beak? Okay, I might be making that up, but it still sounds gross. I love rice pudding as much as the next guy and my stomach would still lurch at the sight of a white, milky, lumpy bowl of RP served up by a guy (or gal) named Wardle. And yet the Professor comes here so often that the cafeteria lady flips out when he doesn't show up for a week.

Oh my God, I suddenly realized why she looks so familiar. The modest blond ponytail, the unnatural hysterics... is cafeteria lady actually Taser Lady??!

Why Yes I AM a Therapist!

Ha ha ha! Yes, we therapists certainly say that a lot. You know, since I'm a therapist and all! It's one of our "tricks of the trade," so to speak. Ha ha ha! Awesome. So, you don't want to pay to talk to me? Okay, what if I pay you to talk to me? Sounds great. Maybe afterwards I can walk you back to your hotel room and prevent you from having a drink!

Between the "Did you have a bad day?" and the "Do you want to talk about it?" I feel fairly confident that I myself could be a therapist too. If only I had an empty therapist's office to move into.

Did You Have a Bad Day?

In my unprofessional opinion, when someone admits she's projecting a falsely cheerful image because her solitary, provisional lifestyle has left her feeling hollow and spent, you can skip, "Did you have a bad day?" and go straight for, "What's wrong?" or "Sounds like someone needs more sleeping pills!"

This Can't be the Girlfriend. She's Invisible.

Oh please let it be Lu Ann. Oh please oh please oh please.

That said, those "photographs" look awfully undeveloped. Alex is pulling a risky Emperor's New Clothes move here, but it seems like it was a risk worth taking; Bobbie's too sleeping-pilled-and-boozed up to notice.

"You have a camera phone?!"

"Pfft! Tail your husband? Get real, Bobbie. I leave that kind of grunt work to my assistant. She also has to take all the pictures, and steal all the receipts out of the garbage cans, and dress up like a waitress and pretend to work at all the restaurants he goes to. I hang around in my cool electric blue jean jacket and deal with the clients. I also park cars. And I do it well."

P.S. Forgot to mention this yesterday, but just wanted to point out that Bobby's wearing nearly the same thing Ruby wore to her I Dressed in the Dark audition. Who does this reflect more poorly on? Explain.

Did You Hair the News?

We are witnessing a radical departure of status quo male hairstyling in Apartment 3-G. Is Alex slicking back his hair?? Unheard of. Excluding facial hair, the men of A3G usually have the three options:

1. The "part-to-the-side-and-swoop" (popular with 95% of the male population plus Tommie)
2. Long hair (for drug dealers)
3. Bald (for drugees and monks)

I mean, that is it! What will this hairstyle signify for our new friend? Do you slick back your hair if you're, say, a younger gentleman who works as a private detective but also parks cars on the side?

I Smell a Spinoff

I can't tell you how disappointed I'll be if Tommie gets this makeover, but honestly, if you've watched What Not to Wear, you know that neither of them should get a makeover based on what they're wearing today. That said, I hope someone on the film crew is inspired to produce Tommie & Ruby: Lady Detectives. Ruby will be the loud, brash one with the detective's intuition, and Tommie will be the traditional by-the-books cop. Notice that neither of them is "the smart one."

But who will be on I Dressed in the Dark? My guess: the silhouette in panel one who thinks it's okay to wear a tiny sombrero in public. She's pretty ominous, lurking in the shadows like that...

Settling for Second Best: the Tommie Thompson story

She's chastising me. Look, I said you could dump him once you got there.

Anyway, would you shut your mouth? You are jocking this up for Ruby! They're not going to be able to do a thing with your hair anyway, would you please stop making yourself so reality-show friendly??

And why is that lady levitating an hourglass over her head in the second panel?

Negative Nelly

Yowza! Kind of dramatic, Tommie! If you're so down, why don't you go see what your friends in the theater are up to these days? And if you're not going to take advantage of New York's melting pot of culture and cuisine, why didn't you just pack up and move to Denver with icky Gary? It's the healthiest city in our great nation. You could've dumped him once you got there.

Droppin 'Bows

Just because you talk a good crazy game doesn't mean you look crazy, Ruby! Seriously, why did she change out of that housedress she was wearing earlier? She even toned down her bows, opting for white over her flashy hot pink ones. Right now those wimpy white bows are her only differentiator. Is everyone else at the audition dressed so plainly that the bows are going to make the difference? I can only hope that lurking just out of frame is a hoop skirt and Holstein-print cowboy boots.

Tommie and Ruby: Lady Detectives

Allright Tommie, don't get too excited. Professor's got dibs, and as his friend you should respect that.

Anyway, you're supposed to be here for I Dressed in the Dark! Why did you change into less crazy clothes? You just look like lady detectives! Now they're never going to pick you for the show!

Happy Halloween, Everybody!

Allright!! Not only do we get some explanation on the lop-sided crowd demographics (female and hat-crazy), we also see what the cast and crew of I Dressed in the Dark wear: lab coats! Best of all is Bobbie in all of her cranky glory--bitter, cursing, looking more like a man than ever, pointing the hell out of her finger, and trying to pass off her pajamas as a Chanel suit. This picture from VintageTextile.com is the closest thing I could find to Bobbie's current style:

According to the source, it's from the 1970s. I guess Bobbie's been hanging on to it for a while!

For Better or Probably For Worse

Bobbie, you don't have to think out your whole backstory for me to know you've got potential. I already know you do. I'm begging you, bump into someone, walk in front of a bus again, ANYTHING! You're killing me here!

You're a Womanizer Baby

Wah wah wah, I'm incapable of love or affection but I'm putting the Professor on my "to do" list anyway. The people in the background have been getting a lot of attention in the comments lately, probably because Bobbie hasn't been that entertaining. Looks like we've got a couple of boys in there, but maybe they're just unattractive ladies?

Come on Bobbie! A little less conversation, a little more action!

Play by the Rules

"And whom he's been doing it with!" is a quote that will warm my heart long into the coming winter months. Both illicit and explicit, racy with a mysterious dash of boring, careful enough to use the correct relative pronoun and careless enough to dangle the presposition.

That said, if Bobbie steals Ruby's spot in I Dressed in the Dark by wandering onto set dressed like an eggplant Mao Zedong, I'll be upset, no matter whom her husband is doing it with.

What I Need is a Good Follow Up to Friends!

Unless "dirt" is some hip new recreational drug I'm unaware of (which is possible!), this plot is turning out much differently than I expected. Maybe Bobbie is talking about Dirt, the short-lived 2007 dramedy starring Courtney Cox-Arquette as Lucy Spiller, the tabloid queen. Of course, Courtney has since moved on to Cougar Town... you might do well to do the same, Bobbie.

Whatever, Anthony...

Sorry for the late posts, but it looks like I didn't miss much except the Professor receiving an early Easter basket. And now we know who sent it! As if it were a big surprise. I can almost read the card now.

Dear Dr. What's-your-face,

please accept this gift of whatever Anthony decided to throw in here
as a token of my desire probably. It looked expensive.

Well, I've got other things to do now.

Bobbie

How he must pine for her.

Friday Night Highlights

I can tell you the last time Tommie did something silly and impulsive. It was January 2007... Tommie had been feeling pretty bad about herself for a while.



Deservedly. She's boring allright. Plus her pal Marie told her she was a spinster or spinster-like at least fourteen times. So, she was feeling pretty low.









So she decided to go to a party with good old Marie, where she met absolutely gorgeous, thin mustache-having producer, Neil! Meanwhile "fish lips" Gary was trying to put the moves on her, but who could notice with Neil being so hot??








Then Tommie insulted Neil's play, tried to take it back, and then WOUND UP MAKING OUT WITH HIM! It was kind of gross, especially since she frowned through the whole thing, but we all thought "Good for Tommie! I guess. Actually I'm not sure I'm comfortable with this." We all thought that, right?







Right after that, Neil left to make out with other girls, and Gary made his move, convincing Tommie to shake what her mama gave her in front of an old timey jukebox. And the rest is history. No spark, we'll see about that Tommie! ....When you dump him in two years!







So Tommie. Before you let your life become a Mobius strip of boredom punctuated by brief and compelling moments of exhilirating humilation, let me just reccommend: do NOT try to make out with Clinton Kelly. You'll only wind up with a broken heart.